All that Gliters is not Gold

~Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm!
Lisa: That’s specious reasoning, dad.
Homer: Why thank you, honey.
Lisa: By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Hmm. How does it work?
Lisa:It doesn’t work; it’s just a stupid rock!
Homer:Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don’t see any tigers around, do you?
Homer: Hmm... Lisa, I want to buy your rock.


The Golden Compass based on the children story by Phillip Pullman is an unlikely hero’s journey into the darkest rooms of the unrelenting mind and soul. The film is about a director who failed to juggle several different plot points, character motivations, and CGI talking animals. A would be epic adventure turned epic Failure as they say.
The first problem the film has is every character goes on and on about Dust with the utmost urgency? What is dust you ask? I don’t know. The story never really tells you. Nicole Kidman playing a very capable Mrs. Coulter wants to read the world of dust so my guess is it has something to do with Scientology.
Mrs. Coulter the head of an evil organization kidnaps poor bucked tooth awkward looking British kids to separate them from there CGI animal companions? Why would she do such a thing? Your guess is as good as mine.
Don’t worry though the brave and courageous Lyra is off to save these poor kids and make things right. She is a very special courageous and gifted child? Why? Because we are told she is. She also has the uncanny ability to read the Golden compass. What does it do? Why it tells the truth! What truth is that you ask? Why your guess is as good as mine. Lyra often reads the compass and we get to see some dusty images of things that the audience already knows anyways. For example, the characters kidnapping children are bad. GOOD THING FOR THAT COMPASS TO LET US KNOW!
Along the way Lyra befriends a lot of characters that are much more interesting in there other movies. Sam Elliot as a (you guess it) cowboy. He claims to be an aeronaut but he wears a cowboy hat talks with a Sam Elliot accent and of course has a six shooter. Also befriending an Ice Bear named Iorek who is a very un amusing Drunk. She helps him get his armor back so he decides to pay her back by becoming her Chewbacca as it were. The relationship the bear and child have in the story is very heart warming and you can’t help but feel disappointed at the loss of depth in this train wreck of a film.
So off Lyra goes to discover the secret of missing children, dust, and the worlds in parallel universe. All the characters she meets can not stress enough how important dust and parallel universes and even Lyra herself all are. Why they are so important? Well apparently we the audience aren’t cool enough to know why.
The film really loses it’s way after the Bear WWE match settles and Lyra finds the missing kids. How to escape this prison of British kids! WHY THE FRONT DOOR! Lyra clearly had to ask the compass how to get out of this one. If only I had a compass to ask why New Line would bankrupt themselves with this garbage. Then again maybe some things are better left unknown.
For those of you wondering why I haven’t mentioned Daniel Craig? The reason Is he has a bit part and is of little importance. I’ll beat a dead horse and tell you not to worry though, we are told he is very important. The actual character Lord Asriel Is very important to the plot but I guess the director was never told why.

Worst Film I’ve seen this year.