So lately I have been reading a lot of blogs by mom's. I have been blog-stalking (as I call it) you know... when you go and read peoples blogs that you don't know or you went to school with or went to church with but you don't really know them... anywho I do it.. I was reading some and they were talking about the truths about being a mom.. you know.. the things that you do but act like you don't.. I really liked this idea. I have been feeling a little isolated lately. We moved not to long before Calvin was born and I still haven't really found a good fit in our new ward. We were in the same ward from the time Brad and I were married and even though we didn't move that far it is sad to not see the familiar faces at church. I know it will just take some time but it is still hard. I wasn't really one to go out a whole lot before and it is even less now. Most of my days are spent at home counting down the hours till Brad gets home. I look at a lot of the mothers I know and I don't know how they do it! Their homes are clean and they always have supper on the table... That is so not me! I feel like I'm failing most of the time! I look around my house and see dirty clothes and toys that need to be picked up and dishes in the sink and I don't know where to start and how to fix it. Brad tells me that it is fine... after all you just had a baby and no one expects you to be perfect.. I have to admit it helps a bit but I can't live on excesses forever! Before Calvin was born Brad would say it was okay because I was pregnant... but I have come to realize that for most of our marriage I have been either pregnant or just had a baby so I have to stop using those as excesses.... It's hard... Really hard! There is a big part of me that just wants to continue to be an ostrich and keep my head in the sand but that does no good at all! I find that a lot of the time I feel like I'm letting my boys down. There are a lot of days that we all stay in our pj's and don't eat the most healthy food....(Sam's eating chocolate chips from my big Costco bag right now and I'm letting him because that way I can type...) Our TV is on almost all the time... in fact it is the first thing Sam does when he gets up in the morning. I don't think that I'm a bad mom just one that is taking the easy way out at times. I find at times I'm yelling a lot more than I ever thought I would... Sometimes I feel like it's the only way to get Sam to even look at me. I really miss talking to adults!! Most of the day my conversations consist of the ramblings of a 22 month old and that leaves something to be desired...but then if I do get to talk to adults all I have to talk about is the kids! It's a total catch 22! Don't get me wrong I love my boys more than I ever thought I could but it is hard to be a mom! there is always more that needs to be done and not enough time to do it in!
There are a lot of happy things too! Sam is turning into his own little person everyday. It's amazing to see how much he is learning every day... Calvin is still in the "little blob" faze but every once in a while we get a little smile from him and I know it is only a mater of time until he is just a wild and crazy and fun as his big brother.
They say that time flies when your kids are young and that you'll look back and wonder where the years have gone... I hope that I will be able to look back and be happy with what I see! What about you?
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